Fix-a-drink

“Please help, I've got a situation on my hands”, a well-dressed man told me calmly as he walked up to me at the train station. “I've got fifteen people in my minibus I’m meant to be taking to a conference. I’m their driver. Unfortunately I got a flat, and I need a can of Fix-A-Flat to repair it. Thing is, I've gone and lost my wallet. Is there some way I can borrow some money?” he explained.

“Fixawat?” I said confused. “Fix-a-flat” he said again, “It’s a can you use to fix up a bust tire. I've got these people waiting on me can you please help?”. “How much does this can of fixie-thingie cost?” I asked with genuine concern as I looked at the time on my phone to make sure I was still in time to catch my train. “They have it a hardware store round the corner for $18.50. I’ll pay you the money back, I am not a bum” he pleaded as a light went on in my head. Something about the last sentence, his story and his tie. Yes, this guy was not a bum. He was a scammer.

“Sure!”, I said, checking my phone for the time once again, “I’ll do better than that. Luckily I’m very early for my train, I’ll walk to the hardware store with you and help you get on your way. Where did you say the store was?”. “No no no no no. I couldn't possibly ask you to do that, the store is quite far.. and you've got luggage, I wouldn't want you to miss your train!” he said nervously. “Oh that’s fine!” I said with a smile, “I've got heaps of time! Also, I’m very handy with this sort of thing, I’ll have you on your way in no time! Let’s go” I beamed as I motioned away from the station. “Oh no, you’re far too kind. I've taken up too much of your time already. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine” he said in a low voice as he started walking away. “But your passengers! We can’t leave them stranded! Hey! Where are you going??” I shouted at him as he quickened his pace and left the scene. Maybe I came on too strongly.

“Thank you and I hope you enjoy your stay” the concierge said as she handed me my keycard. Kicking my shoes off and throwing my suitcase on one of the beds I decided to turn on the TV, it had been a very long time since I’d watched. “...and we can expect to have severe snowfall all over the area by Wednesday, falling mostly on Tuesday night...” the weatherman on the local news network said as he massaged the map behind him with both arms waving to the right in a sweeping dance-like motion. Outside it was snowing hard, I was in for a tough week, being away on business in a small city can be boring at the best of times.

“What would you like?” the barman at the empty hotel bar asked. “More money and a bigger house” I said with a smile. “No” the barman said patiently, “I meant, what do you want?”. Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny I said “To meet a beautiful woman, fall in love and have a baby with her”. “What’s it to be?” the barman said, less patiently. “A boy or a girl, I don’t care” I couldn't resist replying. “What would you like to drink sir?” he said at last, putting an end to my little joke. “Oh, let’s see.. what have you got?” I asked looking over the unfamiliar names on the beer taps. To which came the reply, “Nothing, I’m perfectly fine”. Touche barman, we'll call it a draw.

Yesterday I had to change a lightbulb, then I crossed the road and
walked into a bar. It was then that I realised that my life was one big joke.