Beware the Ides

“It doesn’t really look much like a horse”, I patiently explained, “you use it to dry your clothes on” I said as I made my best impression of someone hanging up laundry. “You mean like dis wan?” the dollar store shelver said in a lazy voice, pointing in the general direction of an ironing board. “No, no, a clothes horse, you know.. um, a drying rack?” I said as my attempt at charades was getting more elaborate. “No... no... no ‘orse here.. I donno” he said shaking his head slowly with a puzzled look on his face. “Look, like this, let me show you..” I said as I whipped out my phone and searched the internet for pictures. “Ah, tendedero! Yes! Yes!” he said excitedly on seeing the picture, “We no have, sorry”. I would never have guessed that laundy would be such an issue in this country.

“When is it going to be Spring?” I demanded, “This is the longest winter of my life, it’s March and it is still well below freezing” I explained as a cold gust of wind blew snow down from a nearby rooftop. Showing no reaction to my question, the squirrel twitched his tail a couple of times, then without warning jumped to it’s feet and scurried away across my fence. What a jerk. I suppose the winter has been pretty harsh for the little guy too, and he has to stay outside all the time. But still, there’s no need to be rude.

Riding home from work, a stiff twilight breeze drowns out the music playing in my ears. A cold tear works it’s way down my face only to give up halfway down my cheek and get blown dry by the icy wind. The wind changes direction as an animal darts across my path, I brake hard with surprise. “Huh? A rabbit? That’s new… could it be a sign of Spring?”. The omen encouraged me to quicken my pace, forcing a smile I cycled into the dusk.

“This is more than a bit messy”, I told my colleague who had just dropped a large blob of sauce from his lunch onto his lap. “Oh no!” he said with a full mouth as he wiped the stain into a large patch with a tissue paper. The incident failed to dent the mood, it was ten degrees, the sun was out and for the first time since I got here we were eating lunch outside. Maybe the rabbit was right.

“Urnh! Urrrrnhhhh!” I grunted as I pulled at my frozen bicycle lock. “Urnaaaaa!” I exclaimed as I stumbled several paces backwards in the fresh, inch-deep snow with half my liberated U-lock in hand. “Never trust a rabbit” I thought sleepily to myself as I carefully rode over snow that concealed a layer of slippery ice that had fallen as rain just before the temperature dropped again. A squirrel clinging upside-down to a tree trunk gave me a knowing look as I wended my way to work in the silence of falling snow. “Rabbits don’t know jack.”, the squirrel said, “In March, winter battles spring. I can tell you how it ends, spring always wins. What I cannot tell you is when the final battle will be.”


.

Et tu, lepus?

Fix-a-drink

“Please help, I've got a situation on my hands”, a well-dressed man told me calmly as he walked up to me at the train station. “I've got fifteen people in my minibus I’m meant to be taking to a conference. I’m their driver. Unfortunately I got a flat, and I need a can of Fix-A-Flat to repair it. Thing is, I've gone and lost my wallet. Is there some way I can borrow some money?” he explained.

“Fixawat?” I said confused. “Fix-a-flat” he said again, “It’s a can you use to fix up a bust tire. I've got these people waiting on me can you please help?”. “How much does this can of fixie-thingie cost?” I asked with genuine concern as I looked at the time on my phone to make sure I was still in time to catch my train. “They have it a hardware store round the corner for $18.50. I’ll pay you the money back, I am not a bum” he pleaded as a light went on in my head. Something about the last sentence, his story and his tie. Yes, this guy was not a bum. He was a scammer.

“Sure!”, I said, checking my phone for the time once again, “I’ll do better than that. Luckily I’m very early for my train, I’ll walk to the hardware store with you and help you get on your way. Where did you say the store was?”. “No no no no no. I couldn't possibly ask you to do that, the store is quite far.. and you've got luggage, I wouldn't want you to miss your train!” he said nervously. “Oh that’s fine!” I said with a smile, “I've got heaps of time! Also, I’m very handy with this sort of thing, I’ll have you on your way in no time! Let’s go” I beamed as I motioned away from the station. “Oh no, you’re far too kind. I've taken up too much of your time already. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine” he said in a low voice as he started walking away. “But your passengers! We can’t leave them stranded! Hey! Where are you going??” I shouted at him as he quickened his pace and left the scene. Maybe I came on too strongly.

“Thank you and I hope you enjoy your stay” the concierge said as she handed me my keycard. Kicking my shoes off and throwing my suitcase on one of the beds I decided to turn on the TV, it had been a very long time since I’d watched. “...and we can expect to have severe snowfall all over the area by Wednesday, falling mostly on Tuesday night...” the weatherman on the local news network said as he massaged the map behind him with both arms waving to the right in a sweeping dance-like motion. Outside it was snowing hard, I was in for a tough week, being away on business in a small city can be boring at the best of times.

“What would you like?” the barman at the empty hotel bar asked. “More money and a bigger house” I said with a smile. “No” the barman said patiently, “I meant, what do you want?”. Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny I said “To meet a beautiful woman, fall in love and have a baby with her”. “What’s it to be?” the barman said, less patiently. “A boy or a girl, I don’t care” I couldn't resist replying. “What would you like to drink sir?” he said at last, putting an end to my little joke. “Oh, let’s see.. what have you got?” I asked looking over the unfamiliar names on the beer taps. To which came the reply, “Nothing, I’m perfectly fine”. Touche barman, we'll call it a draw.

Yesterday I had to change a lightbulb, then I crossed the road and
walked into a bar. It was then that I realised that my life was one big joke.