As Safe as Pastures

“You’re stupid, why do you throw your money away on food? If you buy a farm, then one day you will have all the food you want”. If that sounds ridiculous, then surely people who insist that paying rent instead of buying a house is throwing your money away are following the same logic. I was contemplating this as my mind wandered from a discussion about my own current rental situation. I was subletting half a friend’s apartment who was, in turn, subletting the whole apartment from some woman I hadn't yet met.

We decided it was time to move and find another place, a better value place with no subletting and a washing machine! We agreed on the criteria and split our efforts, we’ll find a palace in no time. I started looking online and calling up agents as my flatmate informed the main tenant that we’d be out in a month.

“Ah, yes, hello!” the realtor said as I got into his car, “I've got a great place to show you, it’s low season right now so they've just reduced the price. It’s a steal!”. “Ah, very good”, I said suspiciously, “where is it?”. “Oh very close by, just 10 minutes.. it’s a real great building, modern finish and it come with parking.”. “Actually me and my flatmate bike everywhere, so that won’t be needed.. what’s really important is that it fits the criteria I sent you..” I told him as we drove out of the city. “Yes, yes, don’t worry. Even if you don’t drive the parking is great for when your family is in town or something, you know. Where did you say you were from?” he continued, enthusiastically.

“So did you escape the revolution?” I asked as the conversation drifted away from the amazing piece of real estate I was about to be shown. “No, I joined the army, I came here after revolution. Everyone had to join the army, but I was lucky, I was my father’s only son.. so they made exception and I was in capital whole time, completely safe. After that I came to stay with my uncle here, that was 27 years ago. I went back there a few times, real great people, lot’s of fun, they love me there the army guys.. you know, because I didn't split during the war. Those guys are great, lot’s of fun.. some other guys.. sheesh they’re like ayatollah, they want to tell you what to do all the time.. and if you don’t do what they say, you know what they tell you?” He paused for effect. “Do you know what they tell you?” he repeated. “Um, no, what do they tell you?” I said as I wondered how much further we’ll be driving. “They say I am not telling you this, God is. Those guys are nuts. Me, I say, to each his own, believe what you want but leave everyone else in peace we’re here. See? You can park right here.”. “We’re a bit far..” I said as I realised I was wasting my time. “No no no, by bike to your work, 20 minutes tops!” he said, not realising that he didn't even know where I worked. “Is there laundry in the building?” I asked as I took photos of the place to be polite. “Yennh, there’s a laundromat just five minutes from here..” he said without missing a beat.

Several colourful agents and owners later, we were ready to settle for a decent place. The realtor wanted us to take the deal right now, meaning we’d pay double rent for a month. The agents were unwilling to strike a deal as it was “peak season, that place will be gone by tomorrow. We just signed off on four units just like it last week”. (Sigh) back to the drawing board.

“How about here?” my flatmate asked as he turned his screen towards me. Seeing the photos and mentally checking off the requirements in my head I said at last, “Hmm, looks good. Let’s call!”. One game of ping-pong later we hopped on our bikes and headed for a meeting with the realtor. “Left here” my flatmate said, he did all the navigating, me being so new in town and all. “Let’s try this way…” he said as we headed down Hooker street. “Oh. Dead end. Sorry, I don’t know this area too well” he shouted ahead of me as he turned around. It was a charming street with two level houses surrounded by frozen gardens. Two young men were waiting outside the last house in the street. “Where are all the hookers??” I shouted to them as we rode off.

Score. The place was perfect. We sealed the deal quickly and hurried back home to finish all the paperwork. The next day we signed the lease and started looking at furniture online.

“...and it’s gone!” my flatmate told me as entered my apartment that evening. All I could manage was “Huh?” as I looked around the spacious living room. “Yeah, she took all her furniture, even all the pots and pans. We have this one pan. You can eat off the cutting board.. that’s what I did…”. The main tenant had almost completely cleared out her stuff, which included all the furniture and kitchenware. Looks like we’re going furniture shopping sooner than we thought.

Home is where the.. hey, where did it go?